How To Speak More Kindly To Yourself

Turn these 7 self-talk phrases around.

James Michael Sama
10 min readSep 20


One of the biggest things that holds people back from finding love or living a fulfilling life is the internal story they’re telling themselves about themselves.

We’re all guilty of negative self-talk in one area or another, but most often it seems to show up in the areas of love and relationships.

Why is this?

I believe it’s one of the lesser-explored topics in our adolescence. We spend years in school learning about topics we may or may not ever use again, we make decisions about careers based on income rather than impact, and we pursue profits over purpose.

What we see modeled in terms of love and intimacy growing up is a complete crapshoot. We have no control over the type of family dynamics we’re born into, yet the impression it leaves on us is often everlasting.

I frequently work on rewriting the internal narrative with my private clients, but I received a message from a reader on Instagram that prompted me to put this article together.

She told me that she had no idea I’d married a woman who already had two children before we met — and that she, herself, was in a similar situation. She felt like “damaged goods” because of it, and my relationship with my wife gives her hope.

Her terminology of “damaged goods” caught my attention, because this is, in itself, an example of the negative self-talk that often perpetuates our disappointment.

In this article, then, I’m going to start here and explore other phrases we have a tendency to tell ourselves that we need to squash immediately if we intend to create a life of love, joy, and fulfillment.

Below, you’ll find the phrases to stop saying, and subsequently, how to reframe them in a more positive light.

1: “I am damaged goods.”

Let’s think about what this phrase invokes for a moment…

I imagine the clearance section of a thrift shop where you’d go to find cheaper and lesser-wanted items because they’ve got flaws, or missing pieces, or are broken irreparably.



James Michael Sama

Helping high achievers build deeper fulfillment & love. Multi #1 writer. Coach & Speaker. Trusted by: CNN, CNBC, NY Post, CBS, more. Say hello! @JamesMSama