The Modern Man’s Handbook To Winning The Dating Game

If you DON’T think dating is a competition, just talk to the men who always feel like they’re being ignored, passed over, or “friend zoned” while the woman they’re interested in chooses another guy.

James Michael Sama
15 min readDec 7, 2023


This may be an unpopular stance, and likely a taboo way to describe it, but as someone who spent the first two decades of life “losing” (repeatedly) at the dating game, I can assure you that it feels more like a competition to men than we let on.

Each time a woman selects a different man than him, the man in question will start to wonder why. What didn’t he bring to the table? Why is that other guy “better” than him?

The truth, though, is that it’s not about being better or worse, it’s about compatibility.

Absorb this: Someone can be “better” FOR a person than you. That doesn’t mean they’re a better person THAN you.

They may, however, be better AT dating than you. They understand the principles of attraction, manners, etiquette, romance, and what could loosely be referred to as courtship.

The primary reason I started coaching over a decade ago was to help men and women alike understand both themselves, and others, better. To build a stronger sense of confidence, create a life that they were proud of, and then have the tools to go out into the world and attract the right partner for them.

In the points below, we’ll focus on the men in particular, and what the ones who “win” do differently than the ones who “lose.”

(Inevitably whenever I write an article about men, there are comments that say “what about women?” or vice versa. Let me reiterate — this particular article is about men. I have literally hundreds of others about women…but not this one).

1: They’re honest about what they want.

Any healthy relationship in any area of life is built on a foundation of honesty. If there’s even a small doubt about whether or not someone is telling the truth or being genuine in their actions, it’s going to permeate into all parts of the relationship and begin to sew…



James Michael Sama

I help you evolve into the ultimate version of yourself. Life & Executive Coach. Multi #1 writer. Trusted by: CNN, CNBC, NY Post, CBS, more. Say hi! @JamesMSama